To Sir With Love

Attn: The large (presumably judging by the racket

you make stumbling around in the roof above my

head and the by-product you kindly leave on my

car each day) Possum, living rent-free in my

parent’s house.

Sir,

It has come to my attention (usually between the hours of 11pm to 4am each night/day – why can’t you sit still, don’t you have broadband or foxtel? We ARE technically under the same roof you know) that whilst previously relocated several metres to the left (who makes this legislation up? Don’t they think possums will WALK BACK?!), you have opted, disappointingly, at great cost (apparently it cost $$$ to shift someone to the left, to the left) to return to stomping around in the roof where I live.

Firstly, welcome back. Not really. I was just being polite. I don’t remember seeing a basket of muffins anywhere to say ‘Sorry about the noise. Just moving furniture back in. My son peed on your car, I’ll deal with the bill from the detailer. Cheers.’ Nada. How rude.

Secondly, who does your décor? I’m not offering but I have to wonder why the incessant need to rearrange things every night. If it’s a feng shui issue you needn’t fret, have you not seen how many crystals mum has got going on in the backyard? Trust me, between the dream catchers, the wind chimes, the jagged crystals (mind your step, those things are sharp) and pot plants everywhere, you are all set.

Thirdly, waste management. This is a BIG issue for me. And clearly, judging by the potato sized bundles of joy everyday, it’s also a big issue for you. I’m pleased to see you have no issues with maintaining a high fibre diet. I’m not so pleased that I can see just how high in fibre your diet is. When I went camping I was told to dig a hole and bury it. I don’t recall ever hearing at orientation that it was ok to go on the roof of a Volvo. Mother Nature loves your offerings…. My Swedish made Volvo with limited edition (now fading thanks to your son’s acid reflux) does not.

Also, your child’s bedwetting. I really do sympathise. I’m quite certain I did it into my 5th birthday. But if your birthdays are like dog years then surely your three year old (now 21 years old) is just too old. If my dog doesn’t go in his sleep, I don’t see why your son still goes.

If you disagree, well, we are all entitled to our own opinions (as long as they are the same as mine). Two words: adult diapers. Apparently I will be enjoying these too in my dotage as most women apparently find bladder control an issue later down the track., so your son needn’t feel embarrassed. How ironic since I worked so hard on my bladder control all these years.

That’s all I can think of at the moment. Obviously feel free to provide your feedback. I dislike anything perceived as criticism. Especially from people, pardon me, possums, who use cars as porta-potties. Nevertheless this is a democracy, not a cheerocracy as they say in Bring It On. So…. If you have any comments, just submit them in our letter box. The one your son goes number 1 on. And I’ll attempt to give a fark.

Yours Sincerely,

Dommynikki

p.s. stop drinking metho, even my dog thinks your breath reeks