When everything is too hard and nothing is getting you anywhere

there is nothing worse than the feeling that no matter how hard you are trying you can't keep your head above the water, and everything you are doing is too slow/too late/not great/still wrong/not as good as someone else

after what felt like a disastrous and disappointing end to a week of work, and the thought of the weekend didn't even cheer me up (because monday comes after sunday) i found myself listening to Tupac in the car with B whilst worrying about everything i have to race through to do on monday:

With all this extra stressing the question I wonder
is after death I feel my last breath when
will I finally get to rest from this supression
they punish the people that's asking questions
and those that possess
steal from the ones without possesions
the message I stress to make it stop
study your lessons
don't settle for less
even the genius asks questions
be grateful for blessings
don't ever change keep your essence
the power is in the people
and the politics we address
always do your best
don't let this pressure make you panic
and when you get stranded
and things don't go the way you planned it
dreaming of riches
in a position of making a difference
polititicians are hypocrites they don't wanna listen
if i'm insane then the fame
ain't about to change
it was nothing like the game
it's just Me Against the World

Me against the World
nothing to lose
It's just Me Against the World baby

Me Against the World
got me stuck in the game
It's just Me Against the World

I know it seem hard sometimes
but remember one thing
through every dark night
there's a bright day after that
so no matter how hard it get
stick your chest out
keep your head up and handle it

looking back i know it was probably a great week of work i had done in the circumstances i was in, and according to my manager i was just once again being unreasonably demanding of myself. i think about what my manager tells me "don't be so hard on yourself", "you push too much", "you give yourself such high expectations" etc.

i am hard on myself. i do push myself at work. i do place high expectations. i have given myself enough pressure that would lead to strokes in others. if i wasn't me i would fire me. not because i'm incompetent, just because i annoyed myself for not getting it done perfectly/quickly/immediately/already.

i'm lucky, i probably will never have such a reasonable manager ever again. but am i really lucky? if i wasn't the way i am wouldn't i have slacked off and let it all go pear-shaped several months ago? no doubt i do stress myself out beyond what is necessary, but if the other side to the coin is not caring until anything hits the fan then i don't want to be that person.

certainly, no one else is able to motivate me. i don't get psyched much by anyone's pep talks. i am not prone to bribery - i am not working in insurance for the money. One, it's not that good. Two, it's not that good. Three, see the above.

i want what i want. i care about what i do because my name is attached to the end result. i don't care if i get a promotion or a payrise or credit. i just enjoy knowing i did a good job.

i remember having hysterics more than once growing up because i was worried about not getting good results in the exams. it was beyond terror. it has improved over time. i've become reasonable - my standards are human standards now. i make jokes. i cry less. i make allowances. i no longer expect 90% and above after the first fright of starting university. i hand in assignments on time - most of the time. i understand "do your best and see how that goes".

but i will not settle for "okay" if i know that if i tried harder i can do better.

This is a typical example of a conversation at work:

Not Dom: "Dom, it's your lunch hour. Why don't you go relax instead of studying?"
Dom: "I need to keep up with my readings, exams are coming up and I'd like to get a credit average, at least."
Not Dom: "Oh, do you need that average to get Honors?"
Dom: "I'm not intending to do Honors. But I want a credit-average."
Not Dom: "Oh, a pass is still a pass you know. Don't be so hard on yourself."
Dom: "Yes, but I like credits."
Not Dom: "Hmmm." (Confused look)

Is there something wrong with wanting to do something and doing it well? Do people not equate trying harder with learning more? There is no problem with the phrase 'Try again', but there is a problem when people haven't tried at all.

I know the mistake I made last week was forgetting that you can try things again and learning from past experiences instead of panicking. But I won't let myself settle for less. Give me as many pep talks as you want but for once I will be singing Tupac's lines...